The Indefinite Time Yet to Come...

:(

2011-11-14T23:39:00.000-06:00

You know what sucks? Not getting invited to a wedding. I mean I didn't really think I would since I wasn't that close of friends with this person. So that didn't really bother me that much...but a lot of my friends from band got invited. Actually when I think about it, the fact that I didn't get invited isn't what bothers me, its the fact that so many people I know are excitedly talking about the upcoming event. I went and celebrated her birthday last month with a bunch of people and they were talking about the wedding and all this stuff and it was so uncomfortable. I mean what do you say when people are talking about it and saying how excited they are? Cool? I hope you have fun? But you can't say anything about not going because the person who caused this discomfort didn't invite you for a reason (I'm assuming) so acting like you got invited isn't an option either.

To make matters worse, I got a Facebook message today from the group of people that got invited about how excited they were and how they wanted to make a weekend out of it and rent a hotel and everything. What do I say to that? Do I just say I can't go to the wedding or do I actually say, "oh yeah, I wasn't invited...." I don't want to make anyone else uncomfortable about the situation. I have already come to terms with it and though it makes me feel bad, I'm going to congratulate them on the day (if I find out when it exactly is) and just be nice about it. It's out of my control. Plus, I can't even really say that I'd invite her to my wedding if I were getting married in the near future. We really just aren't that close. It's just the pit in my stomach that I get everytime someone mentions it.

Time Flies!

2011-11-09T00:55:00.000-06:00

I forgot to acknowledge my "one year" anniversary at ConAgra last week. I put that in quotes because though I have technically been here a year, my real employment anniversary date isn't until March 7th, when I was hired on full time. But I think it is still important to recognize that I have been here a year, not for the fact that I've actually held a job that long, because considering my other jobs (Target - 2.5 years, Camp - 3 years, and Bailey - 3 years) I am actually quite good at holding a job. But I really want to recognize how fast life goes by. I mean I thought it went by fast when I was in school, but really this real world stuff goes by in the blink of an eye. It really doesn't feel like I have been here for a year and over 8 months of that on nights.

I am a mere months away from having just enough to pay off my loans and I am excited to see what comes after that. I have decided that once I have those payed off and have earned a little bit of money I would move out. I'm guessing that will be around next fall or the end of summer. I'm really excited to start this new journey in my life and see where it takes me.

Movies, Movies, Movies

2011-11-08T03:27:00.000-06:00

My current interest right now includes movies. Because of my weird work schedule I am lucky to have almost one day a week to go see a movie in the theatre. Also, because my sleep schedule is pretty whack because of work, I am able to watch movies late at night when I can't sleep. (I found the trick to not falling alseep while watching a movie is to not take my glasses off.) Here is a list of the movies I've seen recently and the ones I would like to see (With a little commentary to go along). *Note: I'm really liking Ryan Gosling right now, so there are quite a few of his movies on the lists. Normally I am a one note movie goer, seeing generally the same genres but I am trying to expand my interests and see what is out there. I wish that I lived in NY or LA since MN doesn't usually get very many limited release movies.

Recently Seen:
- Ides of March - I really enjoyed this film. I was a little tired and I think I fell asleep for a tiny bit of it, but overall I found it quite interesting. I'd like to see it again because its one of those that things make more sense when you know the outcome of the film.
-50/50 - I initially went and saw this because of my newly acquired love of Joseph Gordon-Levitt but was pleasantly surprised by the film overall. The characters are really lovable and though it is a love story the main relationship is about friends.
-Crazy, Stupid, Love. - I love a good chick flick and this was exactly that, but with a little extra humor, courtesy of Steve Carrell. The plot twist and climax of the film was actually really funny. I actually Laughed Out Loud.
-All Good Things - A little darker film based on a true story. I was a little confused on some parts but overall it was a well put together film, with great acting. I have a hard time seeing Kirsten Dunst out of a cheerleading uniform but she pulled it off.
-Footloose - A great remake. I don't even know if I have seen the first one in its entirety but this one can stand alone. It was such a feel good movie, I wanted to leave the theatre dancing. One man actually did.
-In Time - This film was surprisingly completely relevant to the Occupy Wall Street movement going on right now, though it didn't really take sides. It really makes you think about what's important in life and what would happen if things really did change in the world.

Want to See:
-Blue Valentine - Ryan Gosling love right here. I didn't really have much interest in this movie but I do love Michelle Williams and I've heard its a good love story, so I'll give it a chance.
-Drive - Yet another Ryan Gosling movie, but an action film, as I am trying to spread out the genres I see. The trailer makes it look pretty good.
-J. Edgar - Leo is my most favorite actor so I can't pass this one up. It is also out of my normal genre range, so I'm gonna give it a chance.
-Breaking Dawn - I'm a little sad I won't be seeing this one at midnight like the other 3 but I have to admit I am a Twilight fan. No amount of judgement could change that.
-Happy Feet Two - I love penguins.
-New Year's Eve - Gotta love a cheesy feel good movie and if this is anything like Valentine's Day, I'm excited. I really like how all the characters somehow connect to each other. Plus it is so star studded that its great to see so many different actors together in one place.
-Limitless - I don't really even remember what this is about but I remember wanting to see it.
-Adjustment Bureau - I missed seeing this one in the theatres so hopefully I'll get a chance to rent it soon.
-Bad Teacher - Not a huge Cameron Diaz fan, but I love JT and am always up for a good comedy.
-Cedar Rapids - Ed Helms is great on The Office, so I'm looking forward to seeing this one and his comedic genius.

It is my goal to see all of these by the end of the year. We'll see how that goes!

I'm so awkward.

2011-10-11T03:13:00.000-05:00

Gosh. It's the truth. I'm extremely awkward. Maybe that's why I haven't found anyone yet....? I need to find a guy that's as awkward as me, so that we can understand each other's awkwardness and then maybe things wouldn't be so awkward. How many times did I just use the word awkward?

But really I think I just need to learn how to put myself out there more. I'll never meet anyone new if I don't take a chance. I think that's what's really holding me back. I'm so afraid of rejection that I just feel safer not putting myself out there and I've become content with that.

I'm learning little by little though that to get anywhere in life, especially in relationships, vulnerability is essential. You have to be willing to put yourself out there and take rejection as it comes, because even though there will be rejection there could also one time be that right connection.

One of the main reasons I've been so hesistant of putting myself out there is because of my weight. If I don't stand out I won't be picked on, I guess has always been my mentality. I've been bigger my entire life, and its really all I've known. I was extremely lucky growing up to have great friends and to be really naiive and not listen to being picked on, or maybe I just was never picked on to my face. Either way I was really lucky that I never had to face the bullying so many bigger kids have to deal with. But now I've come to a time in my life where I realize not only for my physical health but also my mental health I need to do something about this. Part of me thinks that maybe I haven't really taken the time to lose weight and get in shape because then I will have to face the world. I won't have any excuses anymore.

I've started this really important journey in my life. I started the day after Labor Day, obviously because of the State Fair and relishing in the last time I will in my life eat that much in a span of a week. I have been eating better and trying to exercise at least once per day. As of now I have lost around 12 pounds and I can really tell how my whole being has been changed by this journey I am on. I feel more active and my mood is much better most of the time. I also find it much easier to get up for work in the afternoon and despite giving up pop I am not as tired at night at work. I know I must keep on this journey as it really is more of a change of lifestyle than a diet. I just hope it all pays off in the end.

I'm becoming the new me...now I just need to work on that awkwardness.

Accomplishment!

2011-09-07T23:49:00.000-05:00

Today was officially my 6th month anniversary of working at ConAgra. I have technically been here for 10 months but 6 as an official employee. It feels really great to have that under my belt...and on my resume! Although sometimes it gets a little monotonous at times, I really do like this job and the people I work with. Its been a great experience so far. It's actually almost a different culture here. I mean the people here are so diverse. There are people from all walks of life and from all over the world. It's kind of amazing. I noticed a lot when I first started working here but now it'd be weird for me to work in a place with less diversity. A drawback though is we are located in the outer part of Lakeville and many people here have grown up close to the area and not quite in touch with social norms that seem so normal up in the cities and especially at school. For example, there was a guy here that just came out and work kind of went crazy with the news, like most people had never met a gay person before. I could clearly see the intolerance in their comments and the way they dealt with the news. It just shows how different a few miles and different upbringing can be in your feelings and actions towards others. It's has been interesting though and I am thankful for the experience I have been given. It has really taught me a lot about myself as well. I hope to continue enjoying this line of work and figure out what the next step in my life will be. I can only wait and see!

Time To Move On

2011-07-10T01:43:00.000-05:00

Sorry that all I seem to write about it camp...not that anyone reads this anyway! So I came to the realization today that I am finally at terms with not working at camp this summer. Since the summer started I have done anything and everything in my power to make time to get up to camp as much as possible, to help out with staff training and to work Pioneer Camp. But this weekend while trying to find someone to cover my shifts so I could either work another Pioneer Camp or do Hanover Day Camp I realized that I need to move on. I mean I know I needed to move on last year at the end of the year, but now I am actually ready to make the move. I will forever love that place and I will continue to donate as much as I can to it, but I think it is time for me to just be an alumni now and not try and be part of the staff. One of the counselors last year said something that just has been sticking in my mind for a long time about how there are some people that can never let this place go and just try and be there all the time. There is a difference between that person and one that loves the place but doesn't feel the need to be there or is really depressed that they aren't there anymore. I convinced myself I wasn't this person but then realized I was that person. But I am now ready to move on. I can still love the place that has given me so much but it doesn't and shouldn't be so much of my future anymore. It's in the past and I need to move on and grow up. With that said, I am excited to go up there in a few weeks just to hang out, but I am more excited because of the people I will get to hang out with and not the fact that it will feel like I work there again.

Knowing me, I am pretty sure my feelings will change, as they do everyday, but for now I am content with where I am. I know that camp will always hold a special place in my heart but I just can't be that person that can't let go the fact that they don't work there anymore.

Made my day.

2011-06-10T21:55:00.000-05:00

Jim, the executive director at camp, let me have this year's staff shirts even though I'm technically not on staff. This made my day.

Also, getting to know the new staff at camp was quite a blast. They are all really stellar people. They are all quite a bit younger than me, but I really didn't feel that old around them. Maybe its my 12 year old likes the helped me fit in? Makes me a little sad not to be up there, but I think they are going to have a great summer and I'm so glad that I got to know them and get to work with some of them near the end of June. I think they will all do a great job and with them being so young, there is a much better chance that they will come back for more years, which would be really beneficial to camp.

But alas, back to the "real world." Not as fun, but its still nice to be home.

We are called.

2011-06-07T18:45:00.001-05:00

*I actually wrote this about a week ago but never published it.

How do you know if you are missing your calling in life? I have been very confused as of late regarding where I should be headed in my life and what God is calling me to do. I was up at camp for a week and even though I worked in the kitchen for like 10 plus hours a day for 2 of those days I was still energized to just be at camp and to be around the people there. Then staff training started and though there are many parts of staff training that I despise for a few different reasons it just felt right to be there doing work and getting everything ready for the summer. This is where the confusion comes in.

I have for the past couple of years been considering going to seminary. When I was in high school my pastor would always bring up the fact that I should be a pastor, that it'd be something that I'd be good at. Currently I'm not completely sure that's the direction for me, but I do really have feelings of being called to ministry. The confusing part about this is that I can't decide if these are actually feelings of being called or if I am just missing camp and the fun that goes along with being a camp counselor. The director at camp has told me on many occasions that I would be great at outdoor ministry or serving a church in a youth driven capacity. Is this God leading me down that path? How do you know when you are being called? Yesterday as I was working with some of the counselors and even by myself on various tasks it just felt right. But was it just because I was in a familiar place, knowing I would miss being at camp the whole summer? Is this really something that I could see myself doing? I guess my thinking and discerning and praying will help. Who knows where I will end up, but I know that I must enjoy the journey that gets me to wherever I am supposed to end up.

Oh Hey Summer!

2011-06-07T18:42:00.000-05:00

Today is officially my 90th day working at ConAgra, though I have technically been working here for a little over 7 months now. I feel so blessed to be in the position I am in now. Anytime I get down in the dumps and am feeling a little blah, I remember that I am so lucky to have a job, nonetheless one that is related to what I went to school for.

I would say the summer has officially started now. My brother has two half days of school left, but really the last week doesn't really count anyway. Its hot outside, making it feel physically like summer, even though we didn't really have a spring. The only thing missing is camp. I'm slowly getting over my not being at camp this summer feeling. I definitely don't want to be one of those people who keeps going back to camp because they need it. I mean it does make me feel great to be up there, but I want my time with camp to now be more for camp and the positives it does for me to come second. Camp has given me and done so much for me as a person over the past few years that now its my time to give back to this place I love so dearly. I want people to experience it how I did and to have that lasting impression that I got. I am fortunate enough to have a job that pays well enough and has a schedule that allows me to be able to go up there and help out every once in a while. So I hope that people don't see me as not being able to let go and more that I am just doing this and going back all for the love of camp and its ministry.

I have come to accept that now my life is different and moving in different directions. But I am so thankful for camp and the connection I will have to it and the people for the rest of my life.

Exactly What I Needed.

2011-05-26T21:38:00.000-05:00

Right now I am up at camp. No I am not working at camp this summer. I have a real job, because I'm a grown up adult. I am just up here for the weekend volunteering my time to a place that holds such an important place in my heart. The second I got up here today I realized that just being here was exactly what I needed. It may sound a little selfish, but part of the reason I actually volunteered is so that I could spend time up here because I miss it (and also to creep on the new staff when they come on Tuesday). This is one of my most favorite places in the world. I have so many memories attached to this place and I know that it will always be a part of my life in some way.

I was feeling nostalgic for last summer. It was one of the best of my life. It was a time of personal and spiritual growth that I believe was instrumental in getting me where I am now. I met many people who will forever be friends and people that I can turn to for support and love. As I was walking the grounds today (I know I should have been working on the many projects I have laid out for this weekend, but I really wanted to just look at everything) I felt this sense of peace come over me. It was a beautiful day. It was a smidge breezy and chilly but the sun was shining so it made everything look just absolutely perfect. What camp looked like today was exactly how I picture it in my mind anytime I think about it, so peaceful and comforting. Being here feels like home away from home. I can't even express in words how much this place means to me. Even the gross things like the mouse nest I found and had to clean out of the pop machine or the annoying things like the mosquito that is currently buzzing around my head could not turn me away from wanting to spend time here.

Luckily the decent weather allowed for a pretty good sunset. The forecast predicts on and off rain for the rest of the weekend, but just enjoying the beauty of today is enough to sustain me for a while at least. I'm so sad that I won't be here all summer. I am going to miss being outside and hanging out with kids teaching them about God all summer, but I do truly believe nothing could top last summer. I wouldn't want to come back and have a crappy summer that would taint my wonderful memories of camp. SO....I will just be satisfied with the summers I spent up here and know that there will be many more times that I will get to enjoy the wonders of camp in the future.

Let's see how far we've come....

2011-05-14T01:07:00.000-05:00

So as of today, May 14th, 2011, I have been graduated from college for exactly ONE year! It definitely doesn't feel like that long ago. A lot has happened in that time since I walked across the stage in Northrop. I know I did something like this at the New Year but I'm going to list some of the highlights since graduation.

-I had an AMAZING summer at camp! It's going to be so weird not going back this year. I already feel a small whole in my heart that belongs to camp that just won't be filled through being there. I will for sure make time to get up there and do some volunteering and visiting friends that are going back for another summer. We all thought this past year would be the year of change but I'm certain this summer will be very different than the last and I'm interested to see how it all goes down.

-I was unemployed for just over a month. That time was one of the most stressfull, depressing, and boring times of my life. For a while you just feel like nothing is going to happen and you are going to be stuck working at Target the rest of your life.  I'm so very fortunate to have only been unemployed for this long considering I never did any internships and didn't start looking for an actual job until the summer was over.

-I was really lucky to get a temporary job through the help of one of my very good friends. It was in an HR department which I have no experience with, but it was a good experience. I would consider myself a pretty excellent filer now. It was a busy body job where I just did little tasks that anybody needed me to do but it was a job and it was good enough for me.  It last 5 months which was a bit longer than I thought it would last so it was a nice source of income.

-I got a second temporary job at ConAgra Foods. This was supposed to only be a three month stint but ended up turning into four months. I was really lucky to randomly find this job. I had to work through a temp agency, which I never want to do ever again. The best part about this was that I actually got to put my major to use a little bit. I mean this is definitely a job that you could pick up without any past food manufacturing knowledge and learn without a problem, but its nice to know a lot of the background of food science related aspects of the job.

-I ended up getting hired on full time at ConAgra, my first real adult full time job, with benefits and a 401K! I guess you could say I am a real adult now, besides the fact that I still live with my parents, but that's okay because I'm saving a ton on rent and other expenses while I save money to pay off my loans. I work with a lot of people quite older than me, but its okay. I wish a lot of times that there were more people my age, but I can't complain because for now I really do like this job and its helping me get the experience I need to move up in this industry.

-I bought a car! A new car at that! It's so cute and I love it so much and its actually mine. I have been driving around my mom's old car for the past 6 years so its nice to have a car that is actually mine, that I have worked to pay for (and continue paying for for the next 5 years!)

It still just shocks me that five years ago I was just graduating high school and one year ago college. I don't feel that old. But life is good right now, I can't complain!

Osama bin Laden is dead.

2011-05-02T01:15:00.000-05:00

I am full of mixed emotions at this point. It has been confirmed that Osama bin Laden has been killed by troops in Afghanistan and his body is in US possession. This ultimately is a good thing. But this is definitely not going to end terrorism. A quote from Lara Logan, a CBS news correspondant, puts it well "You have to get Bin Laden to win, but getting him doesn't mean you've won." We still have a long way to go. Terrorism wasn't controlled by this one man. There's no denying he caused and controlled many horrific events but he is not terrorism himself. This has been considered a victory for the US. What do we mean by victory? Is it considered a victory to kill someone you don't like, someone who has done you wrong? Does celebrating death send the right message to the rest of the world? We criticize those nations that take to the streets celebrating death, but isn't that exactly what we're doing? They see what they did as good and we see what we did as good, so how is it any different? How will they react to us? We strive for peace among nations but is the message we are sending about unity or showing our dominance? I'm definitely not saying that stopping Bin Laden was bad, he needed to be stopped, but the ways in which we are celebrating this event are what's giving me these mixed emotions. Should this be a joyous occassion or should we be showing relief that a man who is responsible for such horrible attacks has been stopped? I lean towards the latter. Are we celebrating the fact that we got revenge and killed someone who has done us wrong or are we celebrating the fact that he is no longer around to continue his reign of terror? I hope its the latter.

One other thing that gets me about this whole event is the "USA" chanting, the comments about how our country is great again and people seeming to actually care about our country, when 5 seconds ago they were complaining about it and threatening to leave if things didn't go their way. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for some good ole patriotism, but this is something that really irks me about this country. We have spurts of patriotism. It seems to go in cycles. It comes around the time of the Olympics, the World Cup, and when our chosen candidate for office is elected and now it comes at this time. Why can't we just love our country all the time? Why can't we be supportive of our nation and be proud of it all the time? I mean there are times when things happen that we aren't proud of and we may later regret, but overall we live in such a great country and we should be thankful for all that we are given. We should have this feeling all the time, not just when we are participating in a world competition and especially not just when we take revenge on others who have done us wrong. We don't have to be chanting "USA" or randomly singing The Star Spangled Banner out in public, but it would be nice to see more respect given to our nation more consistently.

I just don't know what to think about this whole situation yet. It is one that will be remembered and shared with future generations, that's for sure! Now we wait and see how the rest of the world reacts.

I was bit by the royal wedding bug.

2011-04-30T20:22:00.009-05:00

There are a lot of Royal Wedding haters out there, but I am not one of them! There are those who are genuinely not interested in the wedding or anything regarding it and there are those who just hate everything about it because so many others like it or were excited for it. I actually find it really annoying when people complain about the wedding and everything that goes along with it. Seriously, if you don't care, why are you talking about it? Find something else to complain about...

Anyway, I didn't really get that excited for it until about a week ago when I watched the really cheesy, poorly made Lifetime Movie about William and Kate and how they met. Up until then I really was quite indifferent to the whole hooplah surrounding the event. It was an incredibly horribly put together movie with terrible acting, but it really sparked my interest in everything related to the monarchy. The following are the reasons why I am intrigued by the Royal Wedding and the British Monarchy.

1. History. Its hard to even imagine such rich history and how far back the British Monarchy goes. The United States is merely an infant compared to the history of the rest of the world. I was reminded of this when I spent three weeks in Ingolstadt Germany back in 2004. They had this castle in town that they referred to as the "new" castle, when in fact this building was significantly older than the United States. Its blows my mind to think that nothing we have here in the US even compares to the historical length of many European histories and the British Monarchy. Yesterday I spent an hour or two just looking of lineages and family trees of Britain's royal family, so intrigued by who and how different people became queen/king. There are so many rules about who is next in line and what can cause changes in the line of heirs to the throne. I'm not one to be very interested in history as a whole, but once I find a particularly interesting topic, I want to know everything I can about it...this being one.

2. Tradition and Pageantry. I have watched so many different specials leading up to the wedding talking about what to expect and how preparations were being made. One thing I found very interesting was how they compared each royal wedding of the past and how this one would contain many similarities. Seeing the guards, bands, horses, military personnel, and carriages was so fantastic. Its amazing to think that many of the events that took place also happened at other weddings so long ago. Its interesting to hear about all the preparations that occur before the wedding and how excited many of the people are that get to participate in that day. Its not everyday that a royal gets married, so its very special to be a part of such an occassion. I just love seeing the extravagant uniforms and traditional military dress, including that of Princes Charles, William and Harry. They just look so dapper in their uniforms.

3. Fashion. I'm no expert on this topic but I was blown away by the fashion present on this day. Its obvious Kate looked beautiful and I wouldn't have expected anything less that what she ended up wearing. Her dress was simple yet elegant. It was also interesting to see what the guests wore. I am so intrigued by the hats that everyone was wearing. They are so beautiful. I really love the ones that are smaller but have some sort of decoration on them, making them stand out. Each one is so unique and perfectly corresponds to the dress being worn. I really like this tradition and maybe when I get married I will require people to wear hats. That would be fantastic! Everyone looked so beautiful.

4. We have nothing that even compares to this in the US. This is what really made me want to watch and be involved with this special occassion. First this is something that just doesn't happen every day. It is such a large scale but special event. I wasn't alive for any other really big royal weddings so this one is very important to a historical degree, especially because William will most likely one day be king. Second, we have no royalty in the US. We have celebrities that have large scale elaborate weddings but nothing of this caliber, nothing that has such a strong connection to the history of the country. This is nothing that we will ever experience here in the US.

5. Worldwide Happiness (even if for but a day). This is not only a country wide event. This is a world event and a happy one at that. There were parties all over the world to celebrate this day. We hear so much everyday about the bad things in the world. Its nice once in a while to take some time away from all the negative happening in the world and focus on a joyous event. Ratings are showing that over 2 billion people tuned in to watch the royal wedding. That doesn't even count the number of people who even if they didn't want to saw highlights and heard about the event after it occurred. Its just a nice break to hear about something positive in the news for a while. I'm not saying hearing about the negative stuff is bad, but it gets to be overwhelming when all you hear about is negative. Even if it was just for a short period of time, it brought people together in a peaceful manner.

Now that the big day is over everyone will settle down a bit, which will probably please those who are sick of hearing about everything royal wedding, but its still cool to look back and say that you watched the royal wedding of the future King of England. I really hope that this marriage works out. Wills and Kate seem like a wonderful, strongly connected couple and I wish nothing but the best for them in the future. Now we just get to wait for them to have kids. History in the making!

*I wish I was a better writer so I could more eloquently relay all my thoughts and opinions about the royal wedding but this will just have to do.*

By My Calculations

2011-04-17T03:16:00.000-05:00

This is kind of cool and makes me feel better about my shift work and the fact that I don't have a typical 9-5 job.

These are all averages and by calculations I just did so there is obviously room for errors or discrepancies. Holidays are omitted from the calculations.
12 Hour rotating shift days worked per year: 175 (Total hours = 2100)
8 Hour normal job days worked per year: 250 (Total hours = 2000)
Total less days worked: 75

That means I technically have 190 days off a year. That's neat!

It's been a boring night at work, so this is what I'm left doing to waste time....only 2 hours 45 minutes to go!

Back to the grind.

2011-04-16T23:54:00.000-05:00

DC was exactly what I needed this past weekend. I was getting that feeling of being back into a routine like school again. Though I much prefer a routine to being stressed with not knowing the immediate future I do get stuck in the routine. That stuck feeling causing boredom, annoyance and that's not good for a job that I actually like doing and don't want to get sick of because I do have to stay here for a while in order to gain experience and move up in this field. To cope with this feeling of boredom during school I would always have something in the immediate future to look forward to, whether it be dinner with friends, a television show, or some other random event that was happening. This usually got me through the week a lot quicker and with less annoyance.

Currently I work every other weekend so I guess my thing to look forward to is the weekend. It doesn't get old yet either because since I only have every other weekend open, I have to cram everything I need/want to do in that one weekend. Sometimes this is frustrating because I just want to relax and sleep, but I know that that won't get me far in life. I'm working on being more social and my two weekends a month are my way of filling that social need. That covers the immediate future. Here are a few things I am looking forward to in the later future.
April 24 - Easter! and family time
May 7 - Cousins' dance recitals
May/June - Hopefully heading back east to see Jenny in Delaware
June 18 - Anna's Wedding (getting to see lots of camp people and dancing!)
July 1-4 - Military Family Weekend at camp
July 23 - Family Reunion and U2 concert (I just really hope someone will switch shifts with me)
September 5 - Maroon 5 concert

So it looks like the next few months are covered. Though I am back to the grind of working, I know that no matter if I get tired or annoyed with work, especially that I have to work at night and every other weekend, I still I have these things to look forward to. I really can't complain about my life right now.

I can be spontaneous...?

2011-04-07T02:54:00.000-05:00

This is the first time I have blogged at work in a while. I used to all the time when I was on day shift. It's weird that now when I am on nights, have my own computer the whole shift and seemingly have a lot more downtime that I don't blog more. Maybe its because I am at a steady routined time in my life. I usually get very bored of routine and I was beginning to but this weekend to break up the routine I am doing something spontaneous. I am going to DC on Friday...this was decided on Monday. Yes, three days ago Monday! My friend Anna and I are flying out Friday morning and coming back Monday morning. I'm so unbelievably excited for this trip. This is way out of my comfort zone in so many ways. Usually trips I go on are planned months or at least weeks in advance, not days. Though we have done some major planning in the past 24 hours and will have to in the next day or so to make sure we see everything we want to while we're out there, this is still quite spontaneous for me. We're even flying stand by meaning there is a chance that we won't get on the flights we are scheduled for. This is actually kind of exciting. I'm really excited to see what this trip holds. Though I was just in DC last year I am so excited to go back. I love the city and its atmosphere. I'm excited to see the cherry blossoms and hopefully the fountains at the monuments and memorials will be on, since they weren't when we were there last. I forsee many pictures to be taken on this trip.

Another thing that is keeping us on our toes for this trip is the fact that the government might face a shut down on Friday night. This would be very very bad for us, since many of the places we are planning to visit are run by government funded programs, meaning they will shut down if the government does. Not cool. I'm hoping for the best! All I know is that this trip will be an adventure and one I'm very excited to share with some close high school friends.

Talky Talk

2011-04-03T19:10:00.000-05:00

So last week I gave my faith journey in church during one of our lenten services. Its kind of long but I've put it below. I've gotten so much positive feedback from people in my church and it makes me realize how lucky I am to be in a community of faith with people who genuinely care for each other. It felt really good to share and I'm glad I did it, even though it was a little nerve wracking and of course I cried! ;) Anyway, here it is!

I guess you could say my faith journey started when I was very young. My mom will tell you, I could recite The Lord’s Prayer by the age of 3. From the earliest I can remember I grew up going to church and being involved in some form or another. During my childhood I can’t really even remember a time we ever missed a Sunday service. I went to Sunday school, Confirmation, I memorized the Apostles Creed, the Lord’s Prayer, and the 23 Psalm, participated in programs in church and went to camp starting in second grade. I grew up not really knowing anything different, so I just believed that’s the way it should be, but I enjoyed it!

Confirmation allowed me to start thinking more critically and deeply about what faith actually means to me. I had been taught all the basics from a young age but now I was able to put things into perspective and start learning more about Lutheran theology and why we believe the things we do. Even after confirmation and throughout high school I remained involved in church. That is mostly due to the encouragement of my mom. She never forced me to do anything but she was always there to encourage me and give me that extra little nudge to be involved. Through that encouragement I was presented with many opportunities in high school. I went on multiple mission trips and to youth gatherings. I was trained as a peer minister and taught Sunday school and confirmation. Through these experiences my eyes were opened to the world around me. I was able to get out of our small town and see other parts of the country and see many places that were flourishing but also those in desperate need of help. Through this I was also able to see how God is active in the world. I would never exchange these experiences for anything as I think they were very important to my faith development, but it was during college that I went through the most change that has shaped me to be the person I am today.

Before going to college you are given boat loads of advice, to study, get involved, make friends, and throw yourself into it. They tell you it’s hard but you never really know that until you get there and experience it. Before going to college I thought of myself as a pretty stable person who could stick to what they believed. I was immediately faced with many distractions, both good and bad. The University of Minnesota is a big school and one of the great things about it is that it is so diverse. Everyone has their own opinions, beliefs, actions, feelings and understandings of the world. I had to make decisions for myself that in the past I normally wouldn’t have had to do. I had to learn how to manage my time wisely, all the while being faced with these new distractions of being on my own deciding the person I was going to be. This is also where my faith journey was faced with many ups and downs. I did find a Lutheran student group on campus that I started going to for the first few weeks of school, but it really just wasn’t clicking for me. They were going through a transition and a lot of the members of the group were older and near leaving because of graduation. It was small and seemed like the same old stuff I had been doing my entire life. College is for experiencing new things and meeting new people so I planned on branching out. The friends I had made at my dorm were involved in a larger Christian group on campus that I thought I’d check out one week. Early on I had inklings that the theology was a bit different than what I was brought up to believe, a little more evangelical than I was comfortable with. But I put those feelings aside and pretty much threw myself into that group, which also meant leaving behind the Lutheran group, going to church, and putting aside many of my own beliefs that I had been brought up to believe. I was going to their meetings twice a week and was involved in a Bible Study. It was fun and all my friends were involved in it, so I didn’t really think much about it. I had become so dependent on going to this group and being with those friends. It wasn’t about being spiritually filled anymore, as I had first thought it could be, and it wasn’t getting me anywhere in life. This was not me!

Near the end of freshman year was when I realized that this group was not for me anymore. I was losing what had been a big part of my life for so long. I had talked with multiple people about what to do and was encouraged to stick to what I believe and figure out how to work my life and group involvement around that. This also meant I wasn’t going to church or really getting any kind of place of spiritual renewal that I was used to from a young age. I didn’t realize how much going to church really revitalized my spiritual life weekly until I wasn’t going on a regular basis. I needed to find a place where I could be spiritually filled, because I was feeling a void in my life. By deciding to decrease my involvement with that group I had some conflict with my friends, who were still very involved. But I really needed to find my own way, and what was right for me. That summer was one of the hardest for me. For most of the summer I was in a rut. I had become so dependent on my friends and that group that trying to find my own way was taking a toll on me and also my family that had to deal with my emotions. I was lost. Only upon looking back do I realize that maybe this was all a part of God’s way of directing me down the right path for me.

In the fall I went back to school with a renewed motivation to find the place I belonged. The Lutheran group I had previously been involved in had a new interim Pastor name Fritz, so I decided to check it out again. At first meeting I thought this guy was kind of strange. During his sermons he would walk around, get up close and sometimes stare at you like he was talking directly to you. It really put me out of my comfort zone. At this time my mom had been asked to join the board of Lutheran Campus Ministries. Like before she was there to encourage me to stick with it and be involved in the group. That spring I went on a mission trip with other students and Pastor Fritz. Through that trip my eyes were opened, not only by the experience of the trip and being able to be of service to others, but to the ability to question my beliefs and think on a deeper level. I got to know Pastor Fritz and realized he wasn’t some creepy guy who liked to stare at people during his sermons but he really had an invested interest in the people he encountered. He became a mentor to me challenging me to think on a deeper level, to take everything I’ve been brought up to believe, think about it critically, figure out why I believe those things and apply it to my life. I finally had found a place where I could be spiritually filled. I was involved with the group for most of the rest of my college career.

At this point I was really feeling like I could sense God working in my life. It just felt like everything was falling into place, for now. It had always been my goal to work at a Bible camp and this was the summer I was finally making that happen. I worked at Camp Onomia that summer and for the two after that. It was one of the best experiences of my life. Being responsible for the lives of 40 plus kids each week really helps one learn a lot about themselves. Between those three summers I feel like my faith has grown tremendously. I was delving deeper into the Bible and not only learning from the Bible stories I was teaching but also from the kids. I could really sense myself realizing more and more how God is completely active in my life. This also caused me to have some doubts about whether or not my life was going in the right direction.

During my junior year of school I started having some doubts about my major and whether it was the right path for me. My mom was there again encouraging me to continue on and finish up since I was already so far along in the program. I had some struggles throughout school on an academic and a personal level, trying to figure out my way and where I was headed. That summer I heard about a program called Lutheran Volunteer Corps that a friend of mine at camp was doing and thought that it would be something I would really like to do. I was having those thoughts about if my major was really the right path for me, so taking the year after graduation to do service for a religious organization in a place away from home sounded really appealing. I thought I had it all figured out. I made it past the first round of application screenings and had my interview. I thought it went really well and was really excited about the opportunity LVC was presenting. Not only that but everyone around me (including 3 pastors) were telling me that this was the perfect program for me, that I was for sure to get accepted. I waited anxiously for over a month after my interview, for the day that I was to hear if I got accepted or not. That day was one full of stress, nervousness and excitement. Finally I got the email that afternoon…I was not accepted. I was devastated. I broke down. I am already a very emotional person who is known to cry a lot anyway, but I have never cried so much in my life as I did that day and week. Looking back I’m not sure if I was more sad that I hadn’t been accepted or the fact that I had to tell everyone that had previously told me I was a shoo in that I wasn’t accepted. But most of all, the plans I had made for my life, at least for the next year were no longer an option. I had to go back to the start. Surprisingly, I was greeted with nothing but warm wishes, positive consoling and words of encouragement from my friends and family. Even people, who I didn’t really talk to that much, wrote to me saying that maybe this just wasn’t what I was supposed to be doing. Maybe this rejection was God’s way of showing me down a different path. Maybe this was my path and not God’s. Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and future.” My mom and a few other people shared this verse with me right after my rejection. I find comfort in this verse that sometimes those plans aren’t as clear as we’d like them to be, as I was finding out. All I knew is that I had to put my trust in God.

I had planned on doing LVC, so during the months when I should have been looking for a job or internship like all my other classmates; I had nothing to fall back on. I graduated last May with a degree in Food Science and was reluctantly ready to venture out into the real world. Luckily, after graduation I was able to work at camp again for one last summer. It was like my last hurrah before having to join the ranks of the working world and become an adult. But really it was more than that. Being there was exactly what I needed. I connected with the other counselors on a level I hadn’t the past two summers. It was a deep spiritually driven level where we’d have chat times discussing God, our faith, and our own journeys that brought us here. It allowed me to reevaluate where my life was going, to realize that I need to put it all in God’s hands. Listening to others and talking about my own experiences with others my same age, who were going through a lot of the same things I was, helped me to realize that God is with us in midst of it all, in our ups and our downs. He never leaves our side. I have always known this but it really means more to me now. Through camp I have been given a close group of people who I can go to at any time I’m feeling down or need some advice and I know they will help me find some comfort and clarity.

I don’t know completely what God has planned for my life. I’m still trying to figure out the right vocation for me, whether it is in the field of food science or even in some form of ministry. If you asked me where I’d be now a year ago I surely wouldn’t have said living back at home in Chaska with my parents! But this is where I am and I’m so thankful for everything that has happened in my life to bring me here. Luckily, I’m finding out that I really enjoy the major I grudgingly stuck with and am at the moment happy with where my vocation is taking me. It’s hard to realize it in the moment but looking back there have been so many people in my life that God has worked through to get me where I am today. I’m constantly reminded through the people I encounter each and every day that God is working through those people to lead me down the right path. A line from a song by the Paul Coleman Trio that really sticks out to me every time I hear it says, “Only one thing doesn’t change; only one thing stays the same. All I know at the end of the day is your love remains.” I can always count on the fact that God loves me and will always be there to take care of me even if I don’t see it clearly at that moment in time. I have my whole life ahead of me still. I don’t think I can ever be completely sure where my life is headed, but I do know that God has a plan and He will provide me with ways to use my gifts wherever my vocation takes me.

Fears

2011-03-19T01:48:00.000-05:00

I also have realized over the years that I am legitimately afraid of whales, large sea creatures and large inanimate objects. First of all I have dreams about whales quite often and it freaks me out. Usually its me in a large body of water and underneath me is a large whale. It never does anything to me but just knowing that its down there freaks me out. This also pertains to sharks and dolphins. They are unpredictable and big. I don't like that. I'm not sure why elephants don't freak me out...

Secondly, I don't like large objects. Today I stopped at a park and there was a large plane there. It was in a fenced in area but just walking around it gave me the creeps. I did not like it one bit. Now I'm fine getting on a plane and flying across the country, but to be standing next to one, just freaks me out.

Oh my gosh...I'm so weird. Putting all these thoughts into writing is just confirming how weird I am and it just sounds so silly when out of my head.

Obsessions

2011-03-19T01:41:00.000-05:00

I have an obsessive personality. I've known this for a long time, but since not having school to 'distract' me this obsessiveness has really become apparent to me. During school I did experience such obsessions but nothing compared to what I have been experiencing in the past few months.

I will briefly try to describe this problem I have. This usually pertains to the realm of popular culture, though sometimes will seep into a more intellectual topics. I wrote in an earlier post about my fascination with pop culture and this is the unhealthy side of that fascination. It starts out with something simple, like watching a television show, a movie or going to a concert, and from there it just spirals out of control. I become practically obsessed with said band, celebrity, movie, television show, etc. I do whatever I can to know as much as possible and I go through any and all forms of media to obtain knowledge of said topic. This can go on for a few days up to a few weeks. But literally I spend hours looking through articles and pictures and videos online that have anything to do with the obsession of the moment. This is just not right!

I will give an example of this....my currrent obsession, The Real World. I started watching this season of The Real World and I basically can't get enough. I read message boards, watch countless videos, follow cast members on Twitter and even watch episodes multiple times. I become obsessed with everything about the show and the people on it and want to know everything!

Most importantly I know that I have this problem and that allows me to kind of control it. But most of all I find it weird. Why do I find so much fascination with something completely for entertainment purposes. I am unable to just enjoy something for what it is in that moment and then move on. I think this spawns from the fact that I think my life is kind of boring for the most part. I live the typical average life and many times I find myself wanting something exciting. I'm not saying I don't like my life, because I truly love the people in my life and where I am at this point in time. But I always wonder, what if? What if I grew up in a different lifestyle, one that is in the spotlight? I'm not sure I'd ever like to be the actual person in the spotlight, but I'd like to be friends with people in the spotlight or be related to people in the spotlight and live that kind of celebrity type life. Not forever but maybe for a bit. This is where my fascination with dreaming comes in I guess, which I also wrote about a while back. I'm always asking the what if and really it gets me no where.

The more I think about this though it just makes me realize how weird of a person I am. Why does something so superficial really intrigue me so much? Why do I constantly feel the need to know so much about a person who I don't even know, nor will I ever meet? I just don't understand myself and find myself constantly telling myself to let it go and move on with reality, to stop living in this dream world I so desire to be in.

Life is moving along.

2011-03-17T19:51:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I last wrote here. You'd think I'd have a lot to write about considering the last time I was on here I had just gotten a job. Since then I have started said job, which is actually just the same job I have been doing but at night. I really enjoy it. There is something about night shift that I really like. I mean there are a lot of negatives about working at night but I have been really fortunate that the good things are sticking out to me. The feeling of working at night is a bit different. It doesn't actually feel like the night to me since you only can see outside if you go to the break room and realize its actually dark outside. But the feel of the whole plant is different. Its quiet. This is weird to me and I have yet to realize how this can be considering the plant runs at the same capacity as it does during the day, with the same amount of people and production being done, yet its just quieter. I like it. There are many times that there is a bit of commotion if something big happens that needs to be taken care of, but for the most part its just calmer. Another positive is that I get to be home during the day everyday, even though a lot of that is sleeping, but it feels like I'm missing out on less because less things happen during the day, since I'd just be home alone anyway. For now I am content with where my working life is. I just need to figure out how I am going to fit a social life into it now....

In other news I was asked to share my faith journey at a Wednesday service at my church coming up. Its been really refreshing to sit down and think about what has happened to me in the past few years and realize how much everything has made a difference in my life and how it has brought me to where I am today. Its kind of long and not completely finished, but maybe I will post it at a later date. I still have two weeks until I share.

I'm an adult!

2011-03-01T19:54:00.001-06:00

After so much stress and anxiety, the wait is finally over. I accepted a position at ConAgra doing almost exactly what I do now but on a permanent basis...oh yeah and its the night shift! During this whole process I was reminded that everything that happens is in God's hands. I had this whole long pros and cons list about the companies I interviewed with and each day I would lean towards one or the other. Finally I got the offer from ConAgra and didn't really know what to think. I didn't want to make the wrong decision, but I just went with it anyway. I wasn't sure if I was going to hear from the other company or not, so I sent them a quick email letting them know my situation. Almost immediately after signing the papers for my job acceptance I heard back from the other company. They wanted to sit down with me and talk. I really had no clue what about. But I went and that is where I was completely reminded that God had been working through this whole situation the entire time. This other company straight out told me that where I am in my life right now, my best choice would be to take the ConAgra job if I wanted to move up in the food industry. I don't think I have ever had such a clear sign in my life pointing me in the direction I should go at this point in time. It still gets to me whenever I think about it. But I am so thankful that I have a job now. I'm excited for the stability of the income and to be on my own insurance and all that jazz. I'm a little nervous about working nights but I guess I will get used to it. I'll have to, but I'm okay with that!

//edit//
I'm a real adult now! I bought my very first new car. I love it so much! Soon enough I will have actual bills to pay besides my loan that automatically comes out of my account. Its so exciting and a little scary...

AHHH!

2011-02-09T08:14:00.000-06:00

I really have zero patience right now. My life seemed like it was going in a good direction and now it feels like it just kind of stopped. I have a pit in my stomach 24/7 and I just don't know what to do. I just want stability. Most of the time I feel like I want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. It's a really sucky feeling and I just want it to go away.

Right.....NOW!

2011-02-04T12:59:00.000-06:00

Lots of prayer and a pros/cons list or two is what's going to get me through the next couple of days/weeks. I just interviewed for two very promising jobs and on the off chance that I get offered both or significantly before knowing the outcome of the other I will have some very big decisions to make soon. I kind of wish someone would just tell me what to do! I am leaning towards one over the other, though in the end I can't be picky, I really just need a job, though I do want to make the choice that is right for me and my life right now. Another problem I have is that I am very impatient, especially when it comes to having to make decisions. I just want to get it all over with and go on with my life with the decision I've made. Just a bit frustrating....

God, please grant me the wisdom and confidence to choose the correct path that you have layed out for me. Help me to see clearly the way that would be best. Amen.

Times are a changin'!

2011-01-31T13:08:00.000-06:00

As mentioned in a previous post, there are so many things happening in my life right now. I had an interview last week and have another one today, plus a meeting type thing on Wednesday. I really hope at least one of these opportunities pulls through. I'm so ready to have some long term stability in my life right now. I make myself really anxious thinking about the future so to have a permanent job, even if permanent right now for me would only be a couple years, would be wonderful and help put my mind and stomach at ease.

Last year when I was applying to LVC everyone around me kept telling my I would for sure get in. Long story short, after the application process and interview I ended up not being accepted. This was quite a blow to my self esteem, ego and confidence. I also felt like I let so many people down. I don't ever want to go through those feelings ever again. I have definitely grown so much from that experience and now realize that I shouldn't take rejection so personally. Life goes on and God sets forth the right path, which may not be exactly what I thought it should be. Unfortunately I have been experiencing a similar situation right now with my current temporary job. I have heard back a lot of good feedback from those that I work with and under and everyone I talk to says that I will for sure get the job. One of the operators even told me that this is where I belong and it would be wrong not to give me the job. While this is all wonderful to hear and definitely a confidence booster, I still have a small sinking feeling inside of me that I won't get the job. There are no guarantees, so in the mean time I try not to build my hopes up too much, because I don't want to go through that crashing feeling again.

I have some big decisions to make in the next week or two depending on what opportunities present themselves to me. I just hope that I make the right decision.

Double Fridays!

2011-01-23T13:12:00.002-06:00

At work the schedule is a little weird. We work two days, then have two days off and then work every other weekend, which is a three day span. Everyone, and I mean everyone refers to the last day of the each couple or few days of work in a row as "friday," because that means we either have two or three days off which would be our "weekend." I really think this is a funny concept because this so called "friday" never actually falls on a friday. Its only ever a Sunday, Tuesday or Thursday. I found it confusing at first, but now I think its a little funny. I really enjoy having two fridays a week though!

Retraction.

2011-01-20T08:58:00.002-06:00

So I must say that a while back I wrote a somewhat negative post about Christian music. I'd like to retract most of those negative feelings. Though it is still true that I believe a lot of the theology of popular Christian music is messed up, I do think that it is truly "positive and uplifting," as they say on KTIS. I mean I love popular secular music, but it just doesn't have the same effect on me as Christian music does. Maybe its because they don't play too many commercials or talk too much on KTIS or maybe it reminds me of a simpler time (high school) when I used to listen to only Christian music, but really overall it just makes me feel good. One thing I really truly love about Christian music is how a lot of it is centered around God's love. That is one thing we can always count on, that is never fading. God loves us and that is awesome! He doesn't have to, but He does and no matter what we do He still loves us! It's a pretty simple concept but sometimes if I think too deeply about it, it gets hard to fully wrap my mind around it. God is GREAT and God is GOOD!

It's the start...of something new!

2011-01-13T07:16:00.003-06:00

There are a lot of exciting things happening in my life right now.

Last week I had a phone interview with Target for a position in Food Safety and Quality Assurance. It's amazing how adding one field related experience to your resume can do so much! I mean I still by no means qualified for this position but I'm just happy that I'm starting to be recognized. Right now it doesn't really matter to me if I get this job, though I'd love the opportunity!

Yesterday specifically was an afternoon filled with excitement and possibility. At work we found out that the two Monday through Friday 8 hours jobs are being turned into four 12 hour shift jobs. This is really good for me, since in a few weeks I will be again unemployed. Also, my supervisor told me I had really good work ethic and was eligible to apply for one of the new positions. Its most likely going to be an overnight 6pm-6am job but really when it comes down to it, its not a forever thing. I need to work my way up to where I want to be and this is a start. Plus, ConAgra is a wonderful company to work for and I would love the opportunity to be a part of this company.

Then last night at confirmation one of my girl's mom who works at Gedney told me they have some opportunities opening up soon and would like me to submit my resume and would give me a tour and introduce me to the lab people. I'm kind of interested to see what the plant is like though. I lived by there forever and have never been inside. If nothing the tour would be cool.

So many possible opportunities lie ahead and I'm so excited to see where my path leads! First thing I do when I get a steady job is to buy a car and work on paying off my loans as fast as I can. This means I will be living at home for at least the next year but its a small price to pay (actually no price since I don't pay rent there) to get stable before moving out on my own.

Numerology

2011-01-12T16:55:00.008-06:00

I'm really a sucker for taking tests that tell you things about your personality. Myers Briggs I find to be pretty accurate, but this Numerology stuff kind of scared me when I looked it up in how accurate it is! My commentary is in orange :)

Rebecca Deutsch is highly ambitious and yearns for independence. She possesses leadership abilities, and a strong drive for success. I've always wanted independence and to show people I can do things on my own.

Her test in life is to live according to her dream - that is, to have the courage and the stamina to overcome obstacles and win the independence she so deeply wants.

Rebecca possesses a sharp mind and fine analytical skills. She has excellent managerial skills. She plans well and can organize people to carry out her plan.

Rebecca Deutsch is often frustrated by routine activities. She can become dull and even depressed if she is bound too tightly to the smaller details of life. I find myself getting bored really easily.

In order to rescue herself from such a fate, it will be necessary to take prudent risks. Rebecca must learn to assert herself. She is a pioneer at heart, and must live up to such a charge.

Rebecca Deutsch can be stubborn and rigid when it comes to ideas that she feels strongly about. Yet, Rebecca is a loyal and devoted friend and can be demonstrative of her affections. This is so true! I hate giving up my opinions, especially ones that I really care about. I don't let me friends down. I don't want to ever be let down so I do my best to not let others down.

Conversely, Rebecca is highly competitive and can suffer from jealousy when it comes to the success of others, especially colleagues or friends. This is an unfortunate reality. I really have to supress my feelings of others success especially if I am struggling.

By using the determination and creativity she possesses, Rebecca Deutsch can achieve much success.

Rebecca Deutsch is optimistic, inspiring, outgoing, and expressive. People see her as cheerful, positive and charming; her personality has a certain bounce and verve that so powerfully affects others that Rebecca can inspire people without effort. I have been told this a lot, especially at camp. I try to maintain a positive attitude as much as I can.

All of this upward energy is a symptom of Rebecca Deutsch's tremendous creativity. Her verbal skills may well lead her into the fields of writing, comedy, theater, and music.

Three is the number of self-expression - rich in imagination and spirit. But Rebecca has to be careful not to scatter her talents. Her bane is that she often lacks discipline and order in her life. Rebecca Deutsch should avoid becoming a "happy-go-lucky" spendthrift, escaping responsibility and commitment. She must learn to concentrate and focus. I do have a good imagination and I do love dreaming!

Though Rebecca possesses great verbal skills, her mind tends to see life as pictures rather than in words. Yet, Rebecca Deutsch has the ability to think abstractly.

Creativity is a sensitive faculty that is often suppressed in childhood. If Rebecca lacks the confidence to pursue her ideas, she may divert her abilities into a scattering of trivial pursuits.
To overcome this problem, Rebecca Deutsch must make a choice. She has to limit her field of vision and the number of activities she is engaged in, and bundle her energies into a single thrust. Rebecca must focus her life, and choose the area that she loves the most, and commit. There, Rebecca will find success. And a great deal of happiness. This one scares me the most. Over the past few months I have been such a scatterbrain, changing my mind almost every day with what I want to do with my future. I realize I need to pick something and stick with it.

Love, romance, and money are within Rebecca Deutsch's reach. She is aided by her friends and admirers. Often people appear out of nowhere to help her in key situations. Rebecca has to learn to accept the involvement of others in her life. She is not a loner, nor is she particularly independent. Rebecca Deutsch is social - she needs an audience and the support of others to fully realize her abilities. I hope so! I do find it true that I find friends in places I wouldn't expect.

On the down-side, Rebecca can be superficial, moody, and intolerant. She is emotional and sensitive, sometimes presuming criticism where none was intended. Rebecca can also be jealous and gossipy. She needs to beware of becoming cynical and sarcastic. These traits can suppress her natural creativity. Another unfortunate truth...and I do cry, a lot.

Rebecca must be goal-oriented. This is a practical, step-by-step approach to her larger ambitions. If so, Rebecca Deutsch possesses the natural abilities to attain a high degree of excellence.

Rebecca Deutsch is recognized as spiritual and religious, with her very own ideas regarding the purpose of life and the Creator. She is an inspired speaker, but only when discussing subjects that really interest her. Otherwise, Rebecca is not one for chatter. Her love of knowledge and wisdom shows. Agreed.

2011 is a year of progress and financial advancement for Rebecca Deutsch. Major career opportunities present themselves. It is a challenging year in which personal growth is joined with new responsibilities and challenges.

This is a year of domestic responsibility and attention to the needs of family and friends. It is a time of heart felt emotions and some sacrifice. It is a time for comforting and caring. Rebecca realizes the importance of her place within her community. She will be called upon to help others bear their burdens. Rebecca is the proverbial friend in need.

May 2011 is an emotional month filled with the promise and the stress of imminent changes. June 2011 is a month of breakthrough and a relief. September 2011 brings advancement, October 2011 carries self-reflection and readjustments, and December 2011 brings a sense of completion and fulfillment. These predictions are all very interesting. I'm not one to really believe in fortunes but I do really believe this is a year of change, of gain and loss and finding myself. Hopefully it will be what December says and I will find that fullfillment.

http://www.celebrities-galore.com/friends/rebecca-deutsch.377072/balance-number/

Not what it used to be.

2011-01-07T06:38:00.004-06:00

Lately I have been listening to a lot of KTIS and Christian music. In high school I used to only listen to Christian music and sometims some random other music, but for the most part it was all Christian. Near the end of senior year that kind of stopped and I started really liking popular music and have since. I think this is mostly because I am so intrigued by pop culture and I like to stay up to date on the pop music scene as well. But lately I have been turning the dial back to KTIS. I'm not exactly sure why...maybe I'm just getting a little bored of hearing the same songs over and over, but that's not really the point of this. What I have realized though is that most of the songs on KTIS I don't agree with theologically. Right now I'm a little conflicted with the topic of free will and what it actually means for our lives, and I'm not sure what to believe. The real problem I have with Christian songs theology is their emphasis on the need for good works to please God and get saved. Also, there is a lot of "I'm choosing God and I'm getting God and I'm saving others by bringing God to them." No. God chooses us, God comes to us and God saves others. We can share the Good News but it's God that's doing all the work. There is so much emphasis on what we do, but when it comes down to it, it's God that is doing the saving. I think many Christian songs are missing the key element, grace. God gives us grace and saves us. We are undeserving of this grace but it is a free gift to us from God all because He loves us. I'm not saying all Christian songs are like that but a lot are. I just wish the emphasis would be more on God and what He does, instead of ourselves and what we do.

ALSO, there was a woman telling a story on this same station about how this other woman she knew lost some money and she made a deal with God that if she found the money, she'd donate half of it to charity. Why are they condoning making deals with God? You can't make deals with God!

Just brush it off.

2011-01-04T14:43:00.002-06:00

I'm not sure why I am so deeply afflicted when something wrong happens. I've been like this for as long as I can remember and no matter how much I tell myself to just brush it off, I can't and I feel it. Physically I can feel it down in my stomach...a small lingering ache. This happens all the time if I do something wrong or disappoint someone or think there could be any little thing making someone think poorly of me. For example, at work I accidentally made some of the boxes get clogged up when I was trying to perform a normal test I do everyday. The operator that usually works there makes me really nervous because I had been doing it fine but last time she told me to do something differently. I tried it this time and it caused the clogging. Then she proceded to shake her finger at me. I apologized but she was just mean about the whole situation. The worst thing though, is the first time I ever saw this test done, she did the exact same thing! How could she get mad at me when she has done it too?! Now I just have this pit in my stomach and I'm afraid she'll get mad at me anytime I see her. She was already not a friendly person, but now I'm scared to be around her.

But really in any of these situations I get myself into I should just realize that I'm most likely overanalyzing the situation and there probably isn't really anything wrong. I made a mistake...brush it off! I have a problem with overanalyzing situations and I'm guessing that's really the root of this problem.

You hear that brain? Stop overanalyzing things that aren't a big deal! Make a mistake...brush it off!

Why can't we all have our own Jim Halpert?

2011-01-04T06:33:00.002-06:00

I am currently watching all seasons of The Office in order. I didn't realize how many episodes I never saw. I am also re-realizing what a wonderful show this is. It makes me want to work in the office with all the people and wish I worked with people like them. Life would never be boring! But the thing I like the best about this show is Jim Halpert. He is pretty much the perfect man. Not only is he extremely attractive, but he is pretty much everything any woman wants in a man. He's caring, loving, smart, funny, and a whole bunch of other positive characteristics. I want to meet someone like that and spend the rest of my life with them.

I attended my friend's wedding this past weekend and it really got me thinking about marriage. I have always wanted to get married but I never realized really how much I just want a partner that I can share the rest of my life with. I want to have a beautiful ceremony where we declare our love and committment to each other in front of friends and family. Finding that special someone is hard though, especially when all I do is work. Sometimes I wish that that person would just appear in my life and just be there, without me having to go out there and put myself on the line with the possibility of falling and getting hurt. Finding love is hard and I'm discovering sometimes you have to put a lot more work into it than I thought.

But really can't I just have Jim Halpert?

Another year gone by means another one to look forward to!

2011-01-03T06:42:00.020-06:00

We're 3 days into the new year and as I reflect back on 2010 I have a lot to be thankful for. Here is a break down of my year (not in any specific order) and the things I accomplished, failed at and overall have to be thankful for.

-Graduating college! Despite high school being the easiest thing ever, I really did struggle in college. I mean I loved it, but there were many lows of my college career that I wish to forget. It's over now and I have a degree, so that's all that matters.

-Not getting accepted to LVC. I thought I had my life planned out last winter. Then I got rejected at the one thing that was going to make sense in my life after graduation. This made me reevaluate my life and realize how important it is to put my trust in God that He is leading me down the right path and that path may not be the one I thought it should be. (Also applying to AmeriCorps and realizing it wasn't for me 2 seconds after submitting my application.)

-Working my last summer as a counselor at camp. I say 'as a counselor' because I know I am not done with that place. Camp Onomia has such a special place in my heart that there is no way I could just be done with it. I'm not sure how or to what extent it will be but I know camp and I will cross paths soon again.

-Meeting and getting to know some of the most awesome people I could have ever asked for to be in my life, my camp friends. This summer was different and I allowed myself to be more out there. I didn't just stick with one or two people, but I got to know and love most of the staff and realize that they will be lifelong friends. There's just something about camp people that is different. They are so accepting and wonderful and they make me want to be a better person as well.

-Getting my first "real" job. Well, both of the jobs I got this year that could be considered "real" jobs are temporary, but its nice to be out in the real world, working with adults and just getting to know all different types of people. I really cherish the experience I'm gaining from these jobs and hope that someday my path will cross again with many of the wonderful people I work with.

-Breaking my first bone! How could I forget about this? I will never play dodgeball again. I also would have never thought something as small as a broken pinky would warrant surgery and such an extravagant splint.

-Working through some friend issues and making reconnections. One friend who was my best friend since about birth who I had lost connection with since high school because of indifferences contacted me and we have since reconnected. And another really good friend from college, who she and I had some differences and a blow out that caused severed ties, are now back on civil terms and hopefully we can continue to be friends.

-What I am most thankful for this past year though is my family. I could never have asked for more supportive parents and brother. They have been through it all with me and still love me unconditionally. No matter how moody I got or if I did something that made them angry and embarrassed or just didn't like, I know they still love me and I am so thankful for that. I'm also so lucky that they let me move back home and continually help me out financially and emotionally. I'm not sure what I'd do without them. I want to make them proud and know that all they've done has payed off and show them I can be a good person and it's because of them.

I'm really looking forward to what this year will bring! It's my first full year out in the real world and I'm excited to see what it will bring and where I will end up. I have all these ideas and plans and hopes and dreams, but who knows what will happen? I've put my trust in the Lord and I know He will lead me and guide me and pull me back if I stray.

Fads come and go and life goes on.

2010-12-26T07:57:00.007-06:00

I think sometimes it's ok to be a little shallow. I mean I am interested in current events, politics and religion and knowing what's going on in this world. But I have this really big fascination with pop culture. I'm not sure why, but celebrities, fads and entertainment media are just so interesting. I don't think I'd ever want to be a part of it (the crazy in the spotlight part) but I really enjoy reading about it and seeing how much things and people change over time. I also love living and being a part of fads, even if they are little kid fads...I did infact get silly bandz for Christmas, bringing my collection up to about 100. I hope this doesn't make me a shallow person, but sometimes its nice to have something that is just fun to think about and doesn't require too much analyzing.

I also realized something yesterday, via the help of a good friend, who put something in perspective for me without even realizing it. I didn't even realize it until the words came out of my mouth. I had come to terms a long time ago that my LVC rejection was ok, that maybe it just wasn't for me. Though, I had just thought maybe that program was not for me, so I decided to apply for AmeriCorps. Almost instantly after submitting my application though I felt like it was the wrong decision. It was kind of like how when you're visiting colleges and you know instantly when you get on campus if its a bad fit. That's how it felt! I waited a few days to just contemplate and pray about it and decided to retract my application. The epiphany I had was that maybe going out and doing a service year was just my way of putting off the inevitable...finding a career, going out in the 'real world,' educated but not experienced hoping someone would give me a break. I mean it would be great to add on those life experiences and help people while doing it, but it was only going to be me putting off what I had to end up doing this fall, and will continue doing after my temp jobs are over, which is job searching. Doing the year or two of service would add to my resume of life, but would do nothing to help me further my career. I want to get away from the selfish part of that, that giving up the service to others to benefit myself, because I also realized it wasn't all about that. Wherever I am or go there are always opportunities to serve others. Many times those get overlooked because they are right under our noses.

With that all said, I am happy with where I am in my life. Katy Perry says it best for me right now in her song Firework.

"Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed. So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road."

When I feel like all the doors in my life are closed and I'm not going anywhere, maybe those doors are closed for a reason and I will open the right one that will lead me down that 'perfect' road. And above all I know God is there leading me to the door that is right for me and closing the doors that lead down the wrong path for me.

Dream on. Dream until your dreams come true.

2010-12-21T12:05:00.002-06:00

I love dreaming...both daydreaming and night dreams. It's probably unhealthy how much I love dreaming. But really, going to bed at night I'm really excited for what my mind is going to come up with. For the most part my dreams are very realistic. And many times they are related to real life events that happened or could happen. Luckily, I don't have too many bad dreams (knock on wood!), but the good ones are just so good. It's like a movie. (I also have an unrealistic view on how I wish life could be like a movie. It'd be so easy and wonderful!) My subconscious loves to tell me things and sometimes I guess I read into it too much and forget if those events actually happened or not. I've also learned to kind of manipulate my dreams. I know if I've been thinking about something a lot during the day, it will most likely be in my dreams, played out in different scenarios that my mind has put together. Also, if I think deeply about something right before I go to bed, it usually will crop up somewhere in my dreams. I just have to make sure that something is a good thing that will make my dreams pleasant as opposed to causing me nightmares or waking up being disappointed with my dreams. But really when it all comes down to it, I just really really love to dream.

So True...

2010-12-20T20:40:00.002-06:00

I really enjoy this blog.

http://peoplewho.us/

Especially when I do the things it talks about.

My attitude is the same as my blood type, B Positive!

2010-12-20T06:37:00.004-06:00

I realized my first three posts of this blog were kind of negative. For the most part I am not a negative person...I'm actually a quite positive person. Maybe it was just a downer week or something. But really when I look at my life, I have it pretty good. I don't really have anything to be negative about. I'm so grateful for all that I have and have been given. I don't have any real reason to be negative about anything in my life. I know God is there directing me where I need to go and helping me back on the path when I stray. Just like the lost sheep! It's so awesome to think that God, no matter who you are or what you've done, He will come bring you back to the flock all because He loves us! So. Cool.

Anyway, in other news this weekend my mom was sneakily trying to set me up with this guy that goes to my church. Hmmm....I realized from this whole situation that I am just an awkward person.

On another positive note, the Contata I was in pretty much rocked! It sounded so awesome and even professional sounding. I loved it and actually had a really fun time playing in it. I hope I'm around for it next year!

There goes my childhood.

2010-12-17T20:53:00.002-06:00

Chaska finally released their plans for renovating downtown. It includes tearing down all the houses on our block...including ours. The plan is supposed to be completely finished by 2030. I know I'm not going to be living here still then, but I'm really taking this hard. I seriously started crying when I first heard about this and even when I think about it now, it just makes me sad. This house is where I grew up and have lived my entire life. It's everything I've known and I love this place. To see it torn down really makes me sad and the worse part is there is basically nothing we can do. Eventually the city is going to come to us and offer us money to buy the house and land. If you don't take it, they can then repossess the land and give you even less money for it so resisting really can't do anything. This just really sucks. A block down from us they tore down all the houses about 10 years ago and they have yet to build what they planned to do. I'm pretty sure they are going to tear down all our houses and let the area sit vacant just like that lot and that's what really makes me sad. I guess we'll see what happens. It's a ways down the road so I'm sure our house has a few more good years in it!

Understanding the comfort zone...?

2010-12-17T10:09:00.004-06:00

I've always had this irrational fear of fitting in. Scratch that, it's definitely a rational fear. Everyone wants to fit in in the environment they are in. I've had this fear for as long as I can remember. It's not as prominent when I'm in a situation that I've become comfortable in. For example camp. My first summer there I did whatever I could to fit in. I'm not the type of person that is going to be loud and obnoxious to get people to notice me. I'm more of the stay in the background and hopefully someone gets the chance to see the true side of me and maybe even like it. But once I get comfortable with the environment that fear doesn't matter as much anymore. It's kind of become "my" territory and the new people I encounter are either going to like me or not but I know that I fit in with the environment.

My mom and I joke about this all the time, that we are just ordinary people who never get remembered. I'm particularly good at remembering people's names and where I know them from. Mostly because I'm nosy and want to know a lot about people. But usually people don't remember me or my name. It's quite a surprise when they do and I feel completely horrible to the point of making myself sick to my stomach trying to search my brain for the memory that will remind me how I know this person. One time in high school I ran into a girl outside of school who I had been going to school with for over 7 years and she asked me if I had moved away. This caught me off guard because her locker was like 10 feet from mine and I saw her pretty much every day. Makes someone feel really good to know that they are invisible. I think that feeling of invisibility, though sometimes a good thing (keeps me from causing an embarrasing spectacle out of myself) really is spawned from that fear of fitting in. Once I find that comfort zone though, that fear pretty much fades away.

Back to the present and the point of this post. I currently have two temporary jobs. It just kind of sucks to know that in a few weeks/months I will have to leave these jobs that I have become so comfortable in. Starting a new job is like starting the school year in a new school where everyone already has their friend groups and you have to try and fit in to that. I'm finally at the point at one of my jobs where I feel like I fit in. Most of the people I work with are extremely friendly and helpful. I love going to work and chatting with them and just being there in general. It makes me sad that soon it will be over and I will have to do this all over again. I'm really going to miss these people and this job. I think though that this experience is helping me to realize its okay to step out of my comfort zone, that I don't need to be afraid of fititng it. It will come or it won't but I don't need to change who I am in order to fit in, and there will always be those people that are in there own world. You get used to not be remembered and that's just how its going to be, but know that remembering others who probably feel the same way as I do really makes their day, just like it makes my day when someone remembers me!

There are so many things to congratulate people on, but this?

2010-12-16T07:07:00.003-06:00

Why do we congratulate people when they are "in a relationship?" It seems peculiar to me, especially in this day and age when it is perfectly acceptable to never get married or have a significant other for the rest of your life, to tell someone congratulations. It's like saying, "good job, now you won't spend the rest of your life alone," like the only emphasis we have in our lives is to get married. Now, don't get me wrong, I do believe in true love and finding that special someone to spend the rest of your life with, but really is that all there is to live for? I mean for me I do want that, I want to get married and have children, but there are also so many other things out there that I want. I want a stable career that I love. I want to travel and see the world. I want to be a good person that is in service to others. If that includes a significant other down the road then great! If not, then God has something else in the works for me I guess. I definitely think congratulations are in order at a wedding or commitment ceremony, but the start of a "relationship" that is signified by changing your status on Facebook? I'm not sure that warrants much congratulations.